Forward This!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent……………………………….12 Calories
Without her consent………………………2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands……………………………. 8 Calories
With one hand………………………………12 Calories
With your teeth……………………………485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection………………………………..6 Calories
Without an erection………………………3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary……………………………………..12 Calories
69 lying down………………………………..78 Calories
69 standing up……………………………..812 Calories
Wheelbarrow……………………………….216 Calories
Doggy Style………………………………..326 Calories
Italian chandelier……………………..2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real………………………………………112 Calories
Fake……………………………………1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging………………………..18 Calories
Getting up immediately……………………..36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately…816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years…………………………………36 Calories
30-39 years………………………………….80 Calories
40-49 years………………………………..124 Calories
50-59 years……………………………..1,972 Calories
60-69 years……………………………..7,916 Calories
70 and over……………………Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly……………………………………32 Calories
In a hurry…………………………………98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door……….5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door……….13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job.

A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stoney silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.

As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. After opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation.

His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward, he walked me to my car. We passed the tree, and my curiosity got the better of me.

I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. “Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied. “I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children.

So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning, I pick them up again.” “Funny thing is,” he smiled, “when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”

Once upon a time, there was a general who was leading his army into battle against an enemy ten times the size of his own. Along the way to the battle field, the troops stopped by a small temple to pray for victory.

The general held up a coin and told his troops, “I am going to implore the gods to help us crush our enemy. If this coin lands with the heads on top, we’ll win. If it’s tails, we’ll lose. Our fate is in the hands of the gods. Let’s pray wholeheartedly.”

After a short prayer, the general tossed the coin. It landed with the heads on top. The troops were overjoyed and went into the battle with high siprit.

Just as predicted, the smaller army won the battle. The soldiers were exalted, “It’s good to have the gods on our side! No one can change what they have determined.”

“Really?” The general show them the coin–both sides of it were heads.

BEFORE MARRIAGE…

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : NO! Don’t even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : NO! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get!

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE… Simply read from bottom to top

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year…

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program… Not to mention the Cell Phone from Ericsson or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa has granted my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin.

By the way… a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Happy New Year to All!