Forward This!

"Minerva, what’s the latest in R&D?" asked the chairman.

The head of research and development, the lone woman in a roomful of men, pushed back her glasses and, in a prim, I’m-the-school-principal tone, spoke up without rising from her seat. "Research has confirmed that, after kids, the next biggest number of consumers of hotdogs," and here she gave a slight dramatic pause, "are gay men."

Silence filled the room. All eyes were on her.

The R&D head, wearing a smug smile on her lips, prolonged the silence by just staring back at them.

The chairman had to say something. "Well," he said.

The R&D head smiled even wider.

The marketing head spoke up. He always spoke whatever was first on his mind anyway. "Then," he said, in a similar tone that connected the chairman’s previous one-word sentence, "I think we should really tap into the pink peso! I think we should make a hotdog and name it after a hunk." His eyes widened as he fell silent, shocked at what he just said at the top of his head.

Again silence filled the room.

Read more…

The Alarm Fart

This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

The Amplified Fart

This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.

The Bathtub Fart

People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don’t exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter’s location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,

Read more…

Read more…

There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees. And when I talk, it’s with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, but I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in. All my teeth have had to come out, and my diet I hate to think about. I’m overweight and I can’t get thin, but I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in. And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, but every morning I find I’m all right.

My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in. Old age is golden I’ve heard it said. But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, and my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

Read more…

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren , "Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body— but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act – the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn’t going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that’s not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys – you go through a dark  time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don’t believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you’re going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don’t think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do,
II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God’s purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don’t get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better
…

God didn’t put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He’s more interested in what I am than what I do. That’s why we’re called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.

I would rather live my life as if there is a God, And die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t, And die to find out there is!