Forward This!

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year…

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program… Not to mention the Cell Phone from Ericsson or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa has granted my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin.

By the way… a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Happy New Year to All!

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room ‘ s only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Read more…

Nag-aaral si Pedro sa La Salle. Ang dami nyang kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua, Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa.  Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go ako naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.

Isang araw na-ospital ang ama ni Gilbert. Sinamahan siya ni Pedo na dumalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang ama ni Gilbert dahil sa stroke. Naroon din ang ilan sa kanilang malalapit na kamag-anak. Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan…. hindi sila maintindihan ni Pedro. Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi.  Naiwan si Pedro at napakiusapang bantayan ang pasyente habang inihahatid ni Gilbert ang kanyang mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat si Pedro sa gawing kaliwa ng kama ng pasyente para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ng magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag na ni Pedro ang mga gamit ay biglang nangisay ang matanda.

Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga… Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi naman ni Pedro maintindihan. “Di ta guae yong khee”….. “Di ta guae yong khee”… “Di ta guae yong khee”.. paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga.

Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama.  Ikinagulat nya ang pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang
kanyang ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata ang pinakamasidhing niyang pagluha. Nagpa-alam muna si Pedro, dahil siguradong magdadatingin uli ang mga kamag-anak ni Gilbert. Sumakay sya ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan nya ang iba pa nilang kabarkada. Una nyang tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel mag-intsik, tinanong nya muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng “Di ta guae yong khee”.

“Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. “… “Bakit saan mo ba narinig ‘yan?”.

One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered over-achievers he said, “Okay, time for a quiz” and he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouth mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, “Is this jar full?”

Everyone in the class yelled, “Yes.” The time management expert replied, “Really?” He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

He then asked the group once more, “Is the jar full?” By this time the class was on to him.

“Probably not,” one of them answered. “Good!” he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel.

Once more he asked the question, “Is this jar full?” “No!” the class shouted. Once again he said, “Good.” Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, “What is the point of this illustration?”

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, “The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!”

“No,” the speaker replied, “that’s not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is, “If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them in at all. What are the ‘big rocks’ in your life, time with loved ones, your faith, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you’ll never get them in at all. So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question, “What are the ‘big rocks’ in my life?” Then, put those in your jar first.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, that the well needed to be covered anyway and that it just wasn’t worth retrieving the donkey. So he invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quietened down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.