Forward This!

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle:

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.

Guy: No this is fun.

Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!

Guy : Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl hugs him.

Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

In the paper the next day :

(A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only one had survived.)

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn’t want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

When someone really loves you they will never hurt you.

… and if they do, you will see that in their eyes… they are hurting too.

— Peter Parker

Mick appeared on the Irish version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and towards the end of the programme had already won £500,000.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said the show’s presenter, “but for £1 million you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!” “OK.

The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it’s own nest?

a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush.”

“I haven’t got a clue,” said Mick, “so I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon.” Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Fookin ‘ell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure, Paddy?” asked Mick.

“I’m fookin sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked the host.

“Dat it is, Sir.”

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won £1 million!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in God’s name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn’t build it’s own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds.”

“For fooks sake!” laughed Paddy.

“Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!”

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price so he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note :

Dear Madam :

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I Rented the apartment, I was

under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, That there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 With the following note :

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, If you know how to

turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, But if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady…

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said “For best results, put on two coats.”