Forward This!

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, ‘What’cha gonna do about it?’

The poor little guy starts crying.

‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,’ the biker says. ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY.’ ‘I can’t stand to see a man crying.

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.”

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
“What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe.
“I want to get weighed,” she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
“I want to get weighed,” she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
“I want to get weighed,” she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”

Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

The Duck & the Devil
Message: There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

As he was walking back he saw Grandma’s pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved! In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing After lunch the next day Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes”

But Sally said, “Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.” Then she whispered to him, “Remember the duck?” So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, “I’m sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.”

Sally just smiled and said, “Well that’s all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help” She whispered again, “Remember the duck?” So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s; he finally couldn’t stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, “Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.”

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done… and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)…whatever it is…You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He’s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying, ‘That would be rude and impolite.’

What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said, ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Stevie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

A� man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.

The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was $250.

“$250″, the man said. “Well what does he do?

“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. “He can do all of
your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, $500, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, “$1,000.”

Curious as to how a bird can cost $1,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.

The clerk replies, “Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.

But the other two call him “BOSS”!!