Forward This!

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to Heaven.

A young man thought of buying a gift for his girlfriend. After much deliberations, he finally decided to buy a pair of gloves. He was accompanied by his sister to the Department Store to make the purchase. He bought a pair of gloves for his girlfriend, while his sister bought a pair of panties for herself. While wrapping, the two packages got mixed up. The gloves went to his sister, while he sent the other package, the one with the panties, to his girlfriend. The letter with the package read as follows:

Dearest Sweetheart,

This is to remind you that I’m keeping tab of your birthday. I choose this gift to replace the one I tore the first time I was with you because from then on, you have not been in the habit of wearing any everytime we go out for an evening date.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have bought the long ones. They are with buttons. However, she said that everyone is now wearing the short ones. They are of very delicate colors. The saleslady I bought it from showed a pair she has been wearing for the past three weeks and she said that they have not been soiled at all. She also said that they have not been washed for three months.

I wish I could put it on you myself but there’s no doubt that a gentleman’s hands will be able to touch them before I could even have the chance to see you wear them. Anyway, I hope you are thinking of me everytime you put them on.

To be sure I had the saleslady put them on for size and they looked very nice on her. I did not know your exact size but I thought that she would be more capable than anyone else because she looks just about your size. They will naturally be a little deep to wear and may sometimes have the tendency to smell, so sift a little talcum powder in it just to be sure.

I almost envy them as they cover a part of your body which I love to hold and squeeze. I am looking forward to the time when I will be able to kiss the back as well as the front of them. Be sure to wear them next Friday evening so that I will have the pleasure of removing them myself.

If they are small, send them to me, and I’ll stretch them by putting them on myself.

Love & Kisses,

Macho Man

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

The cop says, “What are you doing?”

The young man says, “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,”And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs, “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, “What’s your age, young man?”

The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.”

The cop asks, “And her what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes..”

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few minutes passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” The startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authenic cowboy boots and now living in Texas thought it the perfect time to buy a pair. Seeing some on sale he purchases the boots and wears them home.

Walking proudly, he saunders into the kitchen and asks his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looks him over and replies, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert storms upstairs, undresses and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots and again asks a little louder, “Margaret, notice anything different NOW!! ?”

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert what’s the difference? It’s been hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow!!?”

Furious, Bert yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down?”

“No”, Margaret replied.

“It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!!!”, Bert replies with much anger.

Without changing her expression or missing a beat, Margaret tells Bert, “Shoulda bought a hat!”