Forward This!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unkowningly left her glasses on the table and didn’t realize it until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

To add insult to injury, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire drive back. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He didn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s d!ck off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

Host: To what thing do you compare your pen!s?

Gay 1: Sleeping pill! never wakes up!

Gay 2: Rat! scared of pussies!

Gay 3: Dinosaur!

Host: Huh? Why?

Gay 3: It no longer exists!

A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: “You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They’ll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you’ll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.”

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.

“I choose this room!” the man says.

“Very well,” the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

“You can go now. I’ve found you’re replacement.”

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

‘Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!’

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, ‘Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!’

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, ‘Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!’

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, ‘Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?’

‘Here it comes…’