Host: To what thing do you compare your pen!s?
Gay 1: Sleeping pill! never wakes up!
Gay 2: Rat! scared of pussies!
Gay 3: Dinosaur!
Host: Huh? Why?
Gay 3: It no longer exists!
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!”
Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.
The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.
She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.
‘Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!’
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, ‘Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!’
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, ‘Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!’
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, ‘Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?’
‘Here it comes…’
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price so he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note :
Dear Madam :
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I Rented the apartment, I was
under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, That there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 With the following note :
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, If you know how to
turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, But if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady…
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10.. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.